 |
| {via} |
What is Mommy Guilt?
"Mommy Guilt"- the acute awareness that every decision I make impacts my child, the desire to make the right decisions, and yet the feelings of guilt and failure when I do not meet the standards/opinions set by others (and sometimes, myself)
 |
| {via} |
"Mommy Guilt" started for me in my first trimester of pregnancy... I had hyperemesis and constantly worried that my health (or lack of health) was affecting my unborn baby. Everyday decisions turned into guilt trips-- Should I continue to color my hair, get my nails painted, eat an occasional hot dog, or clean my house with common household cleaners? Should I listen to soothing music to calm her in-utero, attend every available prenatal class, and frequent my local chiropractor? Should I labor naturally, have a home birth, or labor in the safety and sterility of a hospital? For most things, I was overly cautious... not just because I was trying to be wise and make informed decisions... but because I felt guilty.
Then my daughter was born. I was given parenting books, read blogs, and had many well-intentioned mom-friends who gave me "advice". Breastfeeding, where my baby slept, vaccinations, how I responded to my baby when she cried, diapering, when to introduce foods, and how to dress her all became topics of great controversy and guilt.
After her birth I continued to work part-time and now am working PRN ("as needed"). One day someone told me that I was "wasting my bachelors degree" by spending more time at home. Someone else told me that I was going to wish that I had been a "stay at home mom" because "these days fly by" and "she won't be a baby for very long". While there is some truth to both statements I felt guilty either way I turned... should I work more or less?! I had prayed about it, done research on childcare options, and spent hours talking with Jon about the decision. I thought that I had made the right decision... until "mommy guilt" set in.
My biggest "mommy guilt" moment so far was when I gave Ellie scrambled eggs at 11 months and 20 days (it is suggested by pediatricians to wait until babies are 12 months to give them eggs to reduce the possibility of allergies)... I kid you not... she was going to turn 12 months old in 11 days! Guess what happened-- she had an allergic reaction to the eggs! Hives, swelling, vomiting, and diarrhea!!! To this day I do not know if she would have had an allergy to eggs anyways (my pediatrician thinks that she was just going to have the allergy anyways and may possibly grow out of it in a few years) or if it is my fault that she is now allergic to eggs... oh, the guilt!
Can you relate??? Have you ever been stopped by some random lady in the grocery store in the middle of July to be told that your baby should be wearing socks?
Did you think (or say)-- "Oh, I totally forgot to put socks on her today. Thank you for reminding me!"?
Or did you think what I thought-- "It is July and 102 degrees outside. My baby is 2 months old. I am a good mom and actually put thought into that decision. STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS!"
Everyone (books, blogs, and other moms) seems to have an opinion and feels the need to enforce their beliefs on you... and if you don't agree then you are either not a good mom or you are uninformed. These opinions make us doubt ourselves and/or resent others.
So, what should we do to combat Mommy Guilt?
1. Make wise decisions... for YOUR child (not someone else's):
Do research, buy books, read blogs, and listen to the wisdom of fellow mommy friends... but please be careful! Not everyone is YOU! Not everyone is raising YOUR child!
I found very early on after Ellie was born that she was her own person! She was not me nor was she Jon. She was not my friend's child. She is a perfectly unique little girl made in God's image... perfect and beautiful in her own way!
She loved to nurse, was a great little sleeper, and had bad reflux for the first 3 months. She loved to be swaddled tight, fell asleep almost instantly in a swing or the carseat, and always quieted down for Jon and my mom (even when she wouldn't for me). She was Ellie!
My next baby is not going to be Ellie... she will be someone different!
You know your child best and you are the most equipped to make decisions in their best interest!
2. Disregard anything (book, blog, or person) that is trying to discourage you:
Remember that some people are just trying to be nice. Some people feel so strongly about "what worked for them" that they just want to share that knowledge with you. Take everything with a grain of salt.
If someone continues to approach you about one or more topics that they disagree with you on just be kind but honest. Tell them that while you appreciate their experience in the area that you have made the best decision for your child and family. Thank them for caring. Don't let it make you feel guilty. It's ok to disagree! (I had such a hard time with this when I was a new mom. I got to the point where I dreaded going to a particular place and seeing a particular person because I knew what was going to be talked about... every time. It took me almost a year to kindly tell the person that I disagreed and didn't want to discuss the topic anymore.)
Another thing I wish someone had told me-- don't spend too much time reading books that deal with too many details in parenting. For example, if a book spends too much time telling you exactly how to schedule your day and your child then it is probably not going to be helpful (because every child is different). Try to read books that generally encourage you in your parenting journey or give you guidance in philosophy behind parenting. Even then, the Bible is the only truly inspired guide that we have in parenting our children.
3. Rest in God's grace:
I make mistakes. You will make some mistakes. And it is ok!
Feeling guilty doesn't make you a better parent.
God's grace is sufficient in our weaknesses. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
God's will is perfect for you and your child.
"You are so many things. You are a trainer, teacher, and guide. But you are not your child’s Holy Spirit. You’ll never do God’s inner work on their sweet little spirits. You will never do it. And you will be exasperated if you try. In fact, you may be interfering in holy work. Did you just gasp? Are you feeling liberated yet?" {via}
You cannot make your child turn out "good" or "bad". You can raise them the best way you know how and trust God with the rest.
4. Give grace to other moms: (just a few practical suggestions)
When you see that tired, pregnant mom in the grocery store who has the screaming child practically climbing out of the grocery cart (I can totally relate to this scenario)-- just empathetically smiling at her or offering to help her pick up the groceries the screaming child threw out of the cart (instead of giving advice) will make her feel less stressed.
Don't judge others. You don't know their child, family situation, finances, health problems, etc.
Only offer advice if it is asked. Don't assume that other moms are unloving or uninformed (even if they are... still don't assume).
If you are going to post something on Facebook or a blog don't be offended if someone disagrees... social media is not always the best place to have a "healthy debate" with other moms... it tends to turn into something hurtful and misunderstood! Be positive!!!
Encourage other moms... Especially first-time moms! Take a meal, give a gift (something you may have found useful-- but don't be offended if they never use it), compliment them, pray for them, and just be available to listen!
Here are some good resources for mommies out there trying to overcome the "mommy guilt"--
 |
| {via} |
 |
| {via} |
So, have you ever had "mommy guilt"? I would love to hear from you...
